Pamela Llano Zesty Mom
I recently did a little flipping out. OK, maybe this isn't news because I kind of have little flip out episodes on a semi regular basis, BUT they are usually internal and aimed at myself (although the people in close proximity may witness them and wonder, but anyway....) External flipping out is usually reserved for people who are in some way or another causing me a large amount of grief, but the flip out episode I'm referring to here revolved around a friend that I normally find very enjoyable, and have no desire whatsoever to flip on. That's what was so weird about it. It started off as girlfriendly chit chat, and somehow rolled into a conversation with deep and penetrating questions about all sorts of future stuff. The kind of stuff that I really have no idea about, and very little control over. The kind of stuff that I get heart palpitations if I think about too intensely. Big Stuff. And that flipped me out. I'm not sure exactly why, but somehow the whole conversation had me feeling (and possibly sort of acting) like a wild caged animal. I know that Dear Friend didn't mean to make me feel trapped with her inquiries. She just has a mind that wants to be prepared for any potentially problematic outcomes, to have a master big picture plan with fine details on the far off horizon. But, the reality seems to be that there are some things you just can't be prepared for. The far off horizon has so many things that are not in the least bit in my control that it's quite honestly terrifying. I probably freaked out because I'm just starting to get used to this idea that a whole heck of a lotta things are not in my realm of control by any means. Like, not at all. I can only (and barely) control my own actions, and life is complicated and full of all sorts of other people and problems. No matter how much I want to wrangle them into my way of being, there's only so much I can do. If there's one thing I've learned in the last couple of roller coaster years, it's that I really don't have any idea of exactly how the details of the future will unfold. But even so, things usually turn out pretty freaking well. In the last year alone, the number of things that have happened in my life~ big things, amazing things, crazy cool things and some not-so-cool-super-sucky things~ but the overall theme is that things turned out just fine. Better than fine actually. They're feeling pretty good.
My family, home, relationships, job~ I didn't know how any of these things would have looked a year ago, and I couldn't possibly have guessed. I just went on feelings, pointed my compass and forged ahead, leaping when I could, trying to trust, and stopping every so often to curl up in a ball and eat chocolate. And at some point along the way, I realized that my life kicks arse. For the most part, I feel like the future looks bright and feels exciting. But, if I start to dissect things too much, all that lack of control is scary freaking stuff. Trying to ink in fine details onto the distant horizon seems like an exercise in frustration. A better plan to me seems to shorten the horizon. Setting the focus on what's working right now, and what's on the immediate or at least shorter term forecast, whether that be this weekend or in the next couple of months, is a lot more doable and a lot less stressful. None of us really need to figure out the exact details of the distant horizon today. We just need to trust that it's pretty and colorful, and that even if we have to change course a few times, that we'll keep heading there.
2 Comments
Dianna
12/10/2013 02:57:58 am
Yeah it does. But, I knew this about you and your life. I feel like my life is just one of those sliding tile puzzles. I find something soothing about flipping the squares back and forth until someone points out that I'm supposed to make something out of it. And not only am I supposed to make something out of it, it is only perfect after I've completed someone else's picture. Sometimes it helps to remember that even if everyone else is urging you to line up your tiles, and plan three moves ahead, He who gives us strength makes it possible for us to pop tiles out and back into place if we really have to...
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Oh, those sliding tile puzzles! I remember being so happy as a kid when I would get the picture almost complete, but it seems that there was always at least one last pesky tile that I just couldn't get into place. I would be so frustrated to be so close to an almost perfect picture, but never quite there.
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Who is Zesty Mom?I'm an Artist, Writer, Funschooling Facilitator, Empowered Living Advocate, Wanna-be Organic Gardening Foodie, Travel Loving Life Explorer, Former Goat Herding Chicken Lady, and Full Time Mamacita Extraordinaire to a Couple of Cage Free Kids. I Made This For You:
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