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On Being Brittle

7/31/2013

8 Comments

 
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The first time I heard the term "brittle woman," I immediately felt a twinge of panic. Perhaps it’s the same hypochondriac tendencies that make me think I too might be a victim of parasites after reading an article about them, but I think there may be something more to this connection.

Apparently, there is an epidemic of brittle women in America. Danielle LaPorte writes about the brittle woman hearing her spirit say “I miss the softness of you.” And all I can do is wonder,when was I ever soft? Is there even a cushiony downy layer anywhere in me? I don't know because I've had this hard exterior for as long as I can remember. 

My father says he has a picture of me at 2 years old standing in front of his parents house in Colombia, and I was soft then. But since I have no memory of it at all, and I was probably still in diapers, does it even count?

The only time I can remember my being semi- soft was when I had babies in arms, was pregnant or breastfeeding. Those were my softest times, warm and fuzzy and snuggley~ but they were brief in the scheme of things and seem so so far away. A five year span out of a forty two year life, and a decade behind me.

Was that really the only time when I was soft?  If so, that's rather sad.

So, I started to over think the meaning of soft, like I over think so many things~ Gentle and feminine is the type of soft I'd be aiming for, although in the back of my head, I think of soft as equating with weak, and my shell hardens another layer because I do not at any cost want to be weak.

I suppose that being vulnerable can turn out beautifully, at least in theory and in romantic novels, but in real life I know that it can also just open you up to pain, make you look and feel like a fool, and leave you disappointed and rejected.

When someone doesn’t return an email or a phone call or put any effort into getting together, how do you not feel rejected? The positive lifestyle articles all say “Don’t take it personally” but it feels so very personal. It’s your heart after all.
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Somewhere along the line, probably around puberty, I began to put on armor against the world and became what my one younger brother called “kind of a bad @ss." He mentioned this first when I told him that my husband had left and asked for a divorce. Little Bro meant it as in “You’ll get through this” and “You’re strong” and it came with a bunch of other encouraging metaphors on finding my superhero powers, rising like a phoenix and all that, but the one that stuck with me these past 10 months is that I’m “kind of a bad @ss.” 

At first, it made me laugh, “A bad @ss? Really? Me?” Then, it gave me strength to get past some of the scarier, tougher parts of being suddenly single, as in “F- yeah, I’m not just gonna be OK in life, I’m gonna kick butt and rock this!” 

But then, after reading about brittle women, I wondered again “Do I really give the impression of being so hard?” It baffles me when people think I’m actually a tough and / or bad girl. Apparently, they've never run with the actual tough and bad girls, because I have and I can tell you, compared to the real deal, I’m a freaking wimp. But I guess in the circles I choose to run in, I can seem a bit hardened compared to the rest of the crowd. 

I've also wondered how this played into my relationships, including my divorce. While it doesn't matter whether my faults came first or his any more than it matters whether the chicken or the egg came first,  it does matter for my future relationships. I want to go forward better prepared than I was the first time, to be a better partner, and a less hardened person overall. 

The trouble with that is it means letting down walls, walls which are tall and thick and solid rock hard, and have protected me for years. In the process they’ve kept out both good and bad~ things that might have been wonderful along with things that would’ve surely hurt much worse if not for my protective shell.

A good friend gave me hope the other day when she reminded me that I do have a soft side when it come to teaching childbirth classes and working with mothers and babies. My Dad pointed out that I'm funny and tell good stories, even if they are laced with sarcasm. So, I must not be entirely brittle. I'm more like peanut brittle~ overall hard, but also a bit salty and nutty with a hint of sweetness. I may shatter under pressure, but I could also crack a persons tooth in the process. 

My good friend also pointed out that while self analysis and improvement is a good thing, to some degree, girls like us may need to accept and embrace our inner bad @ss. People who love me will also love my salty side, as long as it doesn't cross the line into mean or bitter. It is after all, a part of my personality, and it's true that I'll probably never be the sweetest person in the world. 

So, maybe my goal will be to see if I can at least soften up to nougat form (in which I can be sweet, salty, soft-ish and still yank teeth out if need be. Seems like a good compromise to me.)
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I'll be working on it, and hopefully the people around me will feel the difference. In any case, it will surely be better to have laugh lines than scowl marks, right? 

What do you think about brittleness, vulnerability, softness and weakness? Do you think there's a brittle epidemic? If so, what can we do? I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments below. 

And if you like this post, be sure to share with a friend and "like" it on Facebook too!
8 Comments
Miciah Morgan
8/1/2013 01:10:13 am

I think it is our society in general seeing women more as who they are and need to be to survive and strive to be happy and fulfilled in a world where misogyny is rampant. I believe our mothers and grandmothers generation felt the same ways as modern women do only they weren't allowed to express it without scary or severe consequences... as some modern women still do fear this. We are all people,and I do think women are a bit more complicated and made more so only because of the society's views of us as a whole group. It does help to simply try your best, even if that changes day to day. I do think that life's tougher circumstances do make us stronger even if it means moments of crying breakdowns... a person can be many seemingly opposing emotions and characteristics simultaneously - the challenge is not what society or others see but finding a balance within ourselves. I also think women generally are very hard on themselves and each other. I don't know where this stemmed from, but I truly wish this internal and external pressure would let up a bit.I wish you the best as you walk, skip and dance down the road that has been set before you.

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Pamela link
8/1/2013 05:14:35 am

Thanks Miciah. You are right that it matters not so much what society thinks, but the balance within ourselves, and in general, we women are probably pretty hard on ourselves. I'm not sure my ramblings stem from any one particular place, but more just a culmination of my reflecting on all of the changes and uncertainties, in my life, and that I see all around me with others. Wishing you a skip in your step as well!

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Emily Pritchard link
8/1/2013 11:10:32 am

Man, this is an interesting thing to think about.

I am a Very Sensitive Person. It kind of sucks - I've got a forced softness in my nature that no amount of willpower can harden, and there's this idea of what women are supposed to be in society that I just am not, and have no capacity to be. Most of my friends are hardcore feminists who eschew marriage and children, who react to the idea of being mothers with scorn - and that's just not something I have the ability to -be-.

I think the idea of what women should be - among women - doesn't allow for softness as much as it should. And that's understandable, because to be taken seriously in the world at large, women are expected to assume masculine features - but in the societal mind it would be a lot easier if we were all simply allowed to -be-, instead of living up to impossible standards.

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Pamela link
8/8/2013 03:12:26 am

Thanks for your feedback Emily. I think it's interesting to consider how much of our hardness or softness is inherent, how much is a conscious choice, and how much is upbringing or involuntary self defense mechanism. For me, it's probably a combination. Children definitely bring out the softest parts of me, but in a mother bear way :-) I agree it would be nice if we could all just be who we are without societal standards (or our own self imposed ones) and if we could all just be kinder to each other, it would sure be easier.

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Paige Zaferiou link
8/2/2013 07:03:08 am

The openness and honesty in this post was very refreshing - thank you.

I love your nougat metaphor - a little sweet, a little salty, soft and chewy but sticky as all hell!

It is difficult for us girls to open up and still protect ourselves from the sharp, hard knocks of the world. I've always felt that it's a little like trying to balance on a keel; everyone has to do it for themselves, and no one's "sweet spot" of balance will be quite the same. Some will lean one way; some the other. Some will seem to be perfectly balanced, and the rest of us wonder HOW DOES SHE DO IT?!

I spent a lot of my life being too soft. I told myself that I could take it, that I was strong enough to help people and love and give everything I had to them without being hurt myself. The result was a soul hurt, an ache so deep I hardly felt it. Now I'm learning how to be harder. How to say no. How to stand up for myself. How to set up boundaries without blocking off the access gate.

Us softies could learn a lot from harder women! Thank you so much for sharing your story.

xoxo

Reply
Pamela link
8/8/2013 03:14:03 am

You are welcome Paige~ and thank you for sharing yours. I suppose our souls could get hurt any time we open them, but they could also be lifted to wonderful places. Like you said, balance...

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Dale link
8/26/2013 10:48:18 pm

I hear you, Pamela. I'm considered a hard ass and tough and people are "afraid of me". I actually hate that I send out that vibe when all I am is honest and real. I don't pussyfoot around and if you ask me for my opinion, I will give it to you (even if you realise that you don't want it after all!!)

At the same time, I know I have walls and they hinder me from the possibility of "closer-ness"! I haven't sat down to officially ponder the whys of my "toughness", I have always figured that's just how I am.... Things that are starting to make me go Hmmm...

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Pamela link
8/27/2013 08:31:03 am

Yep Dale~ I'm totallly with you & doing a lot of Hmmmmm-ing myself lately.....

Reply



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