Deciding What to Throw at Late Night Intruders

It was just past 1 AM, after much late night reading, writing and thinking, when I was finally about to doze off. I was jolted awake by the barking, or should I say shrieking, of my dogs. As much as I love these animals, they have what may quite possibly be two of the most annoying and ear splitting barks in the history of the canine species.

During the daylight hours, I would not have been entirely surprised by their barking, because there are things like unauthorized squirrels and mail delivery people to bark at. My Jack Russell has an especially strong need to yap her ferocious cease and desist orders at anyone who appears to be having fun, and my mixed mutt is prone to high pitched whines of excitement when his favorite house members come, go or get remotely near his leash.

But, it was 1 o clock in the morning, and by all accounts, these creatures should have been sleeping.

As I was the only human in the house who was awake, and I wanted to keep it that way, I went to check on situation. I found my larger dog outside with that "oh no, I'm busted" look about him. As I opened the back door, he slumped in shame and came inside, looking somewhere between a deer in headlights and someone who was about to be killed.

Considering he had just woken me from the brink of slumber at this hour, I suppose murder may have been a possibility, but he tends to look like that every time he thinks he is in trouble, which is at least 47 times a day.

I didn’t see anything to bark about, although I really didn’t look all that hard. I was just glad he shut up. I naively assumed my problem was over.

Within minutes, I was back to bed, and almost back to sleep when my eardrums were again shattered by more barking. This time, it was right outside my bedroom door. I deliriously fumbled my way to opening it, but the dogs had run into to my office, again near the back door.

At that point, I noticed the little dog was outside, just looking up at the sky barking. It wasn’t even a full moon. I don’t know what could have been in the trees above her head and I really didn’t care. I just wanted her to shut her pie hole.

In contrast to her buddy, she didn't seem to look like she thought she was in any trouble at all. I called her in, which felt like it took 5 years, because she is old, possibly deaf, and definitely doesn’t care what anyone wants her to do. Just as I was about to chase her down, she finally came in, looking right past me with a snarky look of "I'm only doing this because I want to."

In my grogginess, I didn’t think to shut the doggy door and trap the loud mouthed little beasts inside. I once again just gave thanks that the barking had stopped before I completely flipped my friggen lid, and went back to the coziness of my bed.

Snuggled under the covers, I was again just on the verge of la la land when THEY STARTED BARKING AGAIN!!!!!!!

I sat up, my head spun in circles and flames shot out of my eyes and nostrils.

“Will you please go check on that before I hurt someone?” I growled to my partner through clenched teeth.

Smart and kind man that he is, he did.

I started to lie back down, my eyeballs rolling back into my skull. But, before I could get too cozy, I realized that I didn’t want to fall asleep before he got back because if I hadn’t gotten the reassurance that there was nothing in fact wrong, I would probably have nightmares that woke me shortly anyway. That’s just how my brain works.

So, I sat up, but not straight. I swayed back and forth, attempting to stay awake for what seemed like a really, really long time.

“What the heck is taking him so long?” I wondered.

My annoyance moved fairly quickly to fear as I thought that maybe what was taking so long was that he could be dealing with an intruder. In that case, he might be trying to calmly reason and listen actively, using his painfully patient non-violent communication skills to avoid being killed. Because he’s like that.

No, I thought, if there was an intruder, the dogs would be barking again, but they were quiet.

But……..What if that was because…. the intruder killed the dogs????? At this point, I wondered 2 things.

Why the heck I watched so many scary movies as a teenager, and where was that metal flashlight I had been using to read with a few hours before. I didn’t want it for the light to see by, I could have just turned on a lamp for that. I wanted it to use as a weapon to chuck at the head of the intruder if he (or she~ best be equal opportunity!) came into my room.

I reached over to my nightstand, bumbling around and grabbing the thing that seemed to be shaped most closely to the flashlight. It was a ¾ empty lotion bottle. Uggh. That wouldn’t even hurt if I hit someone with it. It wouldn’t even slow them down, let alone stop them. I suppose I could try to fling lotion in their eyes, but that seemed a long shot, even for me.

I reached around more, knocking things over and onto the floor. I knew I should have cleared all that clutter away, dang it. Just then, I heard footsteps. I recoiled under the covers, cursing under my breath. The door opened…



and there was the shadow of my sweet partner.

Big sigh....


He had no news to report and we never found out what those dang dogs were barking about. When I lamented my tale to him, he pointed out that if I needed a weapon, I have a Himalayan salt lamp that weighs about 20 pounds right next to my bed. It's supposed to do something with the ions in the air and create positive energy, and it does it emit a lovely light. I suppose it would work as a weapon as well!

Why hadn’t I thought of that?

I’m not sure I would have been very accurate with throwing that weight at that hour in my exhausted state, and I’m glad I didn’t try as it was in fact my sweetheart and not an intruder, and if I did manage to hit him, it would have definitely hurt.

At least I know what to grab for next time.

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​Until Next Time....