It is at the same time exhausting, intimidating, and liberating to know that these decisions fall on me. I thought I found a place that could work, only to find out that it would require tens of thousands of dollars in hidden major structural work which was beyond my scope of things I’m willing to take on at this point in my life.
While I know it is better to have found out now than to have been stuck with such a project, I’m still a little bummed at the loss of time and money wasted on that hope.
It’s easy to get caught up in complaining, and I'm actually rather good at it, but it's really unpleasant and tends to suck all the joy out of the air, so I’m working hard to focus on hope and gratitude.
Right now, we are sharing a smaller space than we are used to, but it is cute and clean and safe and it is not a couch in someone else’s living room..
We have done small and cozy spaces before, but my offspring themselves were smaller and cozier and fairly attached to my presence at the time, which most likely made the whole thing easier for them.
Back when my kids were tiny, we lived in a little 24 X 24 cabin in the woods. We painted pictures and built fires to keep warm, read books for hours and baked homemade bread, played in the creek and built fairy houses in the forest. Life was simple and sharing space was easy.
Now, my Girl Child can wear my clothes, and my Boy Child towers over me. I think they could be cuddly, but they are not inclined. Their bodies sprawl out and take up a good deal of physical space, and their belongings, even the pared down amounts they have brought with them, sprawl as well. They are also, as you might expect, less attached to my physical proximity.
There have been bickers and snurgles here and there, but there are any place. For the most part, everyone is rolling well.
The Boy Child and I were home alone today and he was feeling a bit ill. Since he is studying world history this year, I suggested we watch a movie and gave some ideas. He chose Diary of Anne Frank, which he was well aware would not be cheery.
Once again, the timing was perfect.
I’ve been pressuring myself about finding the perfect long term solution for us. It’s a lot of pressure for one person, and even more so because it will most likely be the last childhood home my kids will ever have.
And home means a lot to me.
Anyhoo, the Boy Child and I had some good talks about Anne and her family spending 2 years in an even smaller space than we are in, and with strangers. Oh yeah, and they were in danger of being killed the whole time. And not to give spoilers, but I would guess that just about anyone reading this already knows that Anne’s story does not feature a happy ending.
Once again, a chance for some perspective...which is exactly what 4 pretty much full sized people and 2 dogs sharing a tiny space in the middle of American affluenza need.
I will ignore the houses that look like they were used for the set of Breaking Bad, the neighbors yelling at their children, the Confederate flags and dead animal heads on the walls.
My home is out there, but it isn’t any of those.
And right now, we are fine. We are actually better than fine. We are healthy, happy, safe and free. We can go outside and breathe fresh air and pick flowers and apples and pears, walk our dogs, drive our car to town and fill it with gas and buy groceries.
Our current home may be smaller than we are used to, but it is also super cute and impeccably outfitted with brilliant storage (thanks Ikea!) We have gardens and chickens and fruit trees and friends next door. And we have each other.